Up on the Roof

Typically, I try not to get overly excited about much. However, we got a box from Dish Network the other day, and when we opened it, we discovered it was… a box. To return a receiver. Joy.

So, I call Dish Network and verify that this is the box they said they’d send us, oh, LAST YEAR. The box contains several pages of instructions, along with dire warnings about how the equipment “is the property of Dish Network blah blah babycakes”. The instructions on one page say “you must return the LNBF and switch with your equipment.”

For those that don’t know (or care), the LNBF, which stands for Low Noise Block Feedhorn, is what your satellite dish curves its signals into. It takes the over-the-air electrical impulses and turns them in a signal that can be carried by a coaxial cable. Now, we had an LNBF that had two outputs. Thus, I made an assumption that they wanted me to go up on the roof and take out the LNBF. This looks like this example, except it had only two outputs, not four:

Nifty, huh? Well, this was what we charitably call a “man test”. The UPS driver had already awakened Laureen once, so I was bound and determined to get this thing off of the roof. Of course, it was also looking pretty stormy outside, but did I let that deter me? No. Did I let Laureen’s imploring cry of “You don’t need to go up there” deter me? No. Why?

Answer that, and you’ll have the genetic key to all of humanity’s foolishness. Anyway, back to the misadventure.

I knock on our neighbor’s door, since he has a ladder that actually reaches the height of the roof (which was where the dish and LNBF were in the new house). He helps me set it up, then goes back to his conference call with Japan (he works in packaging at TI, and as such he’s got strange hours with around the world suppliers). So, I figure the ladder out and set it up. The sky is getting darker, and the wind is picking up, but again, do I let that deter me? No.

I went up the ladder and proceeded to unscrew the three screws holding the LNBF onto the dish. I then unscrew the two coaxial cables from the LNBF. This is a crucial juncture in the story, and a bit of background is required.

I used to work for Nortel, and during that time, I was with the Broadband Wireless Access group. Our product there was a Point-to-Multipoint wireless system. It involved transmitters, receivers, dishes, and lots of cables. From that experience, I learned that if your cable isn’t connected to a receiver, you won’t get a signal. However, it is well known that the prospect of a man test throws a lot of common knowledge, common sense, and other critical faculties out the window, and this key bit of information about signals needing to be connected was not retained while I was on the roof.

I look at the two dangling coaxial cables, wondering where they connect to the satellite dish. There’s no obvious place, so I stuff them back up the long, skinny tube used to hold the now-removed LNBF. At this point, I wonder if I’ve just disconnected the receiver from any signal, but that’s not critical. Getting off the roof is critical. I had mispositioned the ladder going up, and now, my efforts to move that ladder to a better place were failing. I’d try to move it, and the extension would fail to re-catch, or it’d nearly slide out of my grasp. Man tests must always involve a certain amount of “hey bubba, watch me do this” — that essence of being on the verge of killing yourself through stupidity. This was now evident in my situation.

Fortunately, Laureen and Jacob come outside at that point to watch my hey bubba moment. I quickly enlisted her help in repositioning the ladder, and then I make it down safely. She then wonders why I had to do that in the first place, and oh, the satellite’s not getting a picture. I take the ladder back, and head inside. She calls DISH and asks what’s going on.

Well, it turns out that there were two specific pages of instructions. One had the “remove the LNBF now, dummy” on it, and the other page was “overall directions, including our handy asterisks pointing to 4 point type that says you don’t need to return the switch or LNBF if you’re going to only send back a receiver”. Apparently, this happens a lot to people in the DISH world, and they authorized a person to come out and reconnect it today.

Ultimately, it was a test, and I succeeded and failed. If I’d read the sheets before proceeding, I might have discovered the truth and not risked my neck, but hey, I did go up on my roof. It’s steep up there. And my ultimate prize is a resounding chorus of “I told you so” from Laureen. And she’s right.

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3 Responses to Up on the Roof

  1. DAD says:

    I guess it takes more than one person to repace a light bulb, I think I would call cable and see what kind of deal they could do if they remove the dish for me. Did a small person want to help?

  2. mom says:

    You really need to submit this one to Reader’s Digest or some other publishable source. It’s humor is only eclipsed by your normality! Laureen, this might need to be sent in to the Darwin Awards.

  3. Pam says:

    Sounds like you’d be GREAT at helping your parents put up a ceiling fan in the dining room!! 😉

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