Here’s a news flash: depression is not fun to go through. There is a real feeling of utter hopelessness that just permeates everything I’m trying to do.
Get the finances on track? We’re in massive debt, and while money is headed our way, things are going to be really tight until the 15th, and probably tight for a long time afterwards.
The biggest feeling is all of the bad decisions I had a part in, all of the pointless wastes of money, all the conveniences… and now I’m paying for it. And I can’t start to focus on a solution, because everything keeps reminding me of the problem.
Laureen and I have to work together to solve this, because the situation isn’t getting better. I ultimately feel like we’re rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic in terms of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.
I just want to get some balances paid off and rip up the cards. I’d love to get the house refinanced, but I don’t think that’s going to happen in this economy.
One option is to sell stuff that we don’t use. My congas and bongos… they’re just taking space in the garage. I really don’t want to part with my Cyberball machine, but if I have to, I have to. We have a bunch of stuff in boxes that is just sitting in our garage, disorganized and not in any coherent order. And it’s driving me slowly crazy.
I just can’t bring myself to the gym to exercise. We have a new gym, one that costs less than the other, but I haven’t gone yet. I’m somewhat afraid to go, and I don’t know why. The real sad part about this is that I don’t know if I can afford to see our counselor next week to talk about this stuff. I have a hard enough time talking to Laureen about everything that’s weighing me down, because (a) I don’t want to drag her down with me, and (b) she’s trying to do her part with Mary Kay. I don’t want her to give that up, but it does take away from her role as household manager.
Meanwhile, the mental stresses just pile up. Gas prices are going higher. The price of EVERYTHING’S going to go up as a result. Work’s about the only thing that’s going right, but there’s so much static in my head from all the other stuff that I’m having a hard time concentrating about this.
I don’t want a quick fix. I don’t want a savior to come in and fix things, thereby tolerating my bad decisions and not fixing the deeper issues. I have to get through this, taking my lumps, and trying to learn something from it. No one else can do that for me.
Am I being too hard on myself? Yes. Probably.