I think I have yet to learn the simple value of being okay with myself.
I’m still overweight, still not doing much, still resisting making those changes that I need to make. And now I’m very envious of the success of a friend. I really couldn’t say who, so let’s just say that this person is doing a lot of the things I wish I could do or have done, and arguably this person has fought through harder circumstances to get there than I have. So, I should simply be happy for this person, right?
I’m trying. But still, there’s that part of me that is always measuring up against other people, no matter who they are, and evaluating for signs of weakness. And because it’s a large sample to evaluate against, I’m always going to come up short. I’m always not going to be good enough.
I know it’s easy to go back to high school and think it was all in those years, but let’s face it–middle and high schools are essentially the absolute worst place to have a kid socialize with others. Cliques form around various things, whether it be money, taste in lifestyle, activity, or whatnot, and when you have groups, you have outsiders. In high school I often wondered about trading intelligence for that social standing and whether I’d take that trade.
Even these days, to some extent, I feel like an outsider. I don’t have many really close friends, people to whom I could tell anything, and there aren’t any that are close by. Again, it’s that constant evaluation and wondering what I’m doing wrong.
The simple answer would be “get over yourself”, right? “Be happy for who you are and what you have.” “You’ve got these gifts.” I know that. I understand that, at least on an intellectual level, but what good are such gifts when all they do is separate you from everyone else? And if I have such gifts, why haven’t I done more with them? Changed the world? Done something memorable?
Maybe I have and am too navel-gazing to know it right now.
Have you seen Mulan?
Sometimes Disney nails it. The seen where the father is comforting Mulan after the fiasco with the match maker lady and says that the late blooming flower will be the most pretty of all. As I have said before I think we will be able to do so much more in our forties than we could in our teens or twenties. Perspective which we were lacking in high school and the few years there after is what we have now and focus and awareness. Parenthood is a motivator for change as well. When I looked at how my parents are unable to interact with their grandchildren made me realize that I need to get healthier to be there for my childrens children. Eldership has been marginalized and I think this next decade for our generation is going to be significant. Awareness and perspective are great tools. Look to your children for inspiration and motivation. Look to creation to see the glory that is out there and you will be moved. To your soccer team you are probably a hero. To be a husband and a father are plenty significant in themselves. Even at the level of success I have reached in my endeavors I still think I often could have been better. The culture wants us to feel that way so we can buy stuff to make us feel better. Thanks for sharing your struggles and your political insights as well. Grace and Peace to you.